Doug's Movie Club! 2000 Reviews
Here are some of the films that Doug's Club has reviewed over the year 2000!
But first, the Doug rating system:
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Dig it, baby! |
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Whatever, Daddy-O. |
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El Sucko ! |
[12/20/00]
There is no limit to what the filmmakers will do in bending reality for a few
more action scenes. I liked the climbing scenes on the whole, and the
hiking, and the snow, but the bottom line is that when you're 26,000 feet above
sea level, you're not going to be running full tilt across a frozen tundra and
leaping 50 feet across a chasm with two ice picks in your hands as you scream
"Cowabunga!" You'd be lucky to be able to put one foot in front of another.
[12/17/00]
Someone had to check my pulse for proof of friggin' life through most of this understated movie.
All Meg Ryan does is whine and complain, and then semi-cheat on her kidnapped husband. This
film should have cut out all the failed romanticsm, ditched Meg (like Crowe did!), and just had
Crowe and that guy from NYPD Blue zip in and kick ass right away. I did like the action scenes,
which woke me up towards the end of the film, and the mountain scenes which did a good job
depicting how much it would suck to actually be kidnapped in a third world country.
[12/10/00]
This movie does its best to make you think the worst of marriage, let me tell you.
Well, at least if you are married somewhere in Jersey and have a lame job and a
white trash neighbor! By the way, if this is you, don't see this movie. I like
the New Jersey family life that The Sopranos paints a lot better! If you
haven't seen this show, you need to
buy
the first season on DVD, baby. It's the
cat's pajamas!
[12/03/00]
Ahnold is getting a bit long in the tooth these days (for you kids out there, this
means he's old), but he can still put on a good action film. He doesn't play
an ultra tough guy in this one, but the plot is above average for a film of this
nature, and that likable Robert Duvall is in it. Although I miss the old "Commando"
days, let me tell you.
[11/26/00]
Yeah, yeah, I know what you're wondering. "How was Jim Carrey?! Boy, he's a really good
actor, 'cause he can make his face all goofy!" Right? It's either that or you're
thinking, "Damn, I'm so bored that I'm reading this stupid guy's dumb movie reviews when
I could be out doing something fun." Well, it better be the first one pal, because
I slave over these damn reviews so a poor sap like you can have a bright spot in
your day, as you keep one eye over your shoulder in case your boss comes by. See, I can
be a pretty good grinch too, and you haven't even seen my goofy faces yet.
[11/24/00]
Unbreakable, huh? How about Unbearable? This movie starts out really slow
and keeps up that molasses-like pace as it fails to take advantage of Willis and
Sam Jackson in these hampered roles. I like the concept, but it takes too long
to build up, and the critical scene is a letdown. I mean, come on! The guy
is a super hero and he just chokes the badguy? That's pretty lame. What's his
super hero name? "Hey, I'm Choke-Hold Man! Evil-doers beware!" Also, what's
up with that writer's name -- M. Night Shyamalan? What the hell does that "M"
stand for? The only person I know with the first name of "M" is James Bond's boss.
It reminds me of this guy I knew in college who called himself "H. Arthur Stevens" --
we never knew what the hell that "H" stood for, and it still pisses me off today.
[11/19/00]
Well, I had some hopes for this film, 'cause that Hurley chick is pretty
good looking and I also like that goofy Brenden Frasier. But, even though
she wears some sexy dresses, and Brenden does a good job with the skit-like
scenes as he goes through his "wishes", the film just didn't grab me.
It had some neat scenes in San Francisco though.
A Time for Drunken Horses
[11/16/00]
This foreign film got some rave reviews from some kids I know, so I saw it.
First, let me tell you that the
ticket they gave me had me thinking this
was a different kind of movie. But once it started, it was nothing of the sort.
It was about some really poor kids in Iraq who have a hard time 'cause there's
a bunch of thieving sons-a-bitches who take advantage of them, and some
other people who shoot at them. Oh, and there's a bunch of drunken horses, which
gave me a couple of laughs in an otherwise pretty darn serious movie.
[11/11/00]
This indie film wins kudos from me, as it pokes fun at those anal numbskulls who
go ga-ga over their canines in a championship dog show. It mixes a seemingly
serious look at the dog show itself, with the wackiness of the dog-owners, and
the big win for me is the commentator on it all, as he counter-balances his
stiff-upper-lipped British co-anchor!
[11/5/00]
"And this is ... kicking your ass!" Drew Barrymore shouts,
describing the Kung Fu Kata that she employs on
just one of the many badguys who gets a hottie-delivered
ass kicking. I saw this film with my own
angels who all enjoyed it!
The action is well done (and well spoofed in some
cases), the humor content is just right, and the girls
bend over in scenes left and right for some reason.
Who knows why? Who cares! God bless America.
[10/15/00]
Remember the Titans, huh? Hey Denzel, remember being in good movies?
This movie isn't really all that bad, but when they toss in numerous
scenes with football players wearing towels in the locker room, using
rolled up play sheets to karoake to "Ain't no Mountain High Enough,"
well that about does it for me. Is it me, or has there been a few
too many films lately with the characters singing this song?
I will say that I did enjoy the bootcamp scenarios that Denzel put these guys through,
and the film does a good job at growing the relationships throughout
the film.
[9/24/00]
An ironic title, since Goldie Hawn's daughter is
almost famous from starring this film -- even though she doesn't use her mom's
well known last name. And she's breaking new ground by getting naked,
which her modest mum never did. So, good for her! I liked this movie a lot
since it reminded me of my young days in high school when I hung out with
a local band and was cool because of it. Well, cooler than usual at least.
[9/17/00]
Sheesh, this stinker almost made me leave the theatre before the
movie ended! Even Mickey Rourke can't save this film -- and by
the way, where the hell has he been the last few years? Stallone
doesn't put much into this film, and the weaseley guy who plays
a wealthly dot-com billionaire does a totally horrible job.
[9/10/00]
That comedian guy from that WB show, I think In Living Color,
stars in this comedy adventure about a clumsy, dopey thief who
gets in some wacky situations and stuff. I don't know much about this
guy's comedy, but he does a good job here pulling some laughs from the
old Doug belly! It has a bit of Enemy of the State in it,
which keeps the action moving along, but the ending is a sappy letdown.
[9/3/00]
Wesley Snipes in another action one-man-against-the-world film, with
a few new twists that make it somewhat appealing to me. Personally,
I'd rather he do a few more Blade movies, but actors these days
just want to keep the bucks rollin' in I guess.
[8/27/00]
Did you know that "Tao" is pronounced "Dow"? Oh you do, do you? Think
you're pretty smart I bet. Well, during the first part of this movie
I thought the main character was talking about the damn stock market
until I figured it out. Anyway, this is a great independent film made
in New Mexico that focuses on a slacker who has sound reasons behind
his slacking. Get off your ass and go check it out, slacker!
[8/20/00]
If you're lucky enough to have missed the preview on this film, and not have
anyone tell you the plot, I'd say you'll enjoy the film. As it was,
since that damn Hollywood gives away every frickin' plot with their
damn previews, I walked in knowing more than I would've liked. Good
suspense mixed with enjoyable scenery (and I'm not talking about
Michele Pfiffififer) and a story that moves nicely forward makes this
a sideways thumb. Although there were a number of obvious foreshadowings,
but you can have fun trying to pick those out.
[8/13/00]
What do you expect to see in an Invisible-Man kind of movie? Which is
what this movie is, by the way, sorry if I gave it away. Well, I'll tell
you what I expect: An invisible person running amok in society pulling
all kinds of fun invisible person type tricks. What this lame-o film
give us instead is an invisible person pretty much stuck in an underground
laboratory who decides to kill people. Where's the fun trick there?
Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame!
[7/28/00]
You've got to respect George Clooney who refused to put on a New England
accent for his role in this movie about some really bad weather. He knows
he has a bad fake accent and admits it! I thought this movie would be
sorta stupid since it's about a damn storm and all, but it turns out I was
pretty moved by it all. The movie focuses on a bunch of guys who are
swordfish fishermen, and boy does that job suck. Now, whenever I bite into
a tasty swordfish at my favorite restaurant, I'll think about those poor
sonsabitches who busted their asses to get it there for me. So there you
are -- now see it!
[7/23/00]
A great parody of Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer,
The Blair Witch Project, and
even The Usual Suspects which I don't recall being a horror film
but maybe I missed something.
Anyway, filled with fart jokes, penis jokes, and a good Wasssssup! joke,
I really enjoyed this film. I especially enjoyed "Doofy", who parodies
that dopey guy who married that Cox broad from the TV show Friends.
Even the 6 year old kid sitting next to me who snuck in liked that
character! Who says kids can't get into "R" rated movies these days?
[7/17/00]
The X-men has been a comic book for something like 40 years now, and
I remember reading it growing up. Of course, after some of my past
experiences with comic books turned to movies (Spawn, and
Superman III as examples) I was a bit worried about this one
sucking also. But it didn't! The film remained true to the characters
while turning out a fun summer movie. I especially like Wolverine, who
goes through the movie with big claws that cut things up. When I was
a kid, I liked Wolverine so much I made myself some claws out of wood
and nails. My Mom kicked my ass when I started ripping up the
upholstery on everything though. Boy, those were the days! Ripping up
shit and getting an ass-kicking!
[7/9/00]
"Nobody escapes Tweedy's Farm!" -- when spoken with that dopey
Irish/English accent it cracks me up everytime! Not that I think the
Irish or English are dopey mind you. Hell, my sister's boyfriend
is Irish, and he's a great guy! But his name is hard to pronounce
so I call him "Chevron." I call him that 'cause his real name sounds a little
like that. Who knows really what his real name is, because I can't understand
a damn thing with that dopey accent! Anyway, I can half understand
those chickens though, since their accents aren't so thick. I guess
when you're a chicken you don't get much of a chance to thicken the old
accent since you're always a half step away from getting your neck
a-chopped off.
[7/2/00]
A bit of summer fluff to be sure, this movie attempts to play off the
"success" of that big-lipped Joline broad. But she hardly plays a role
at all in this fast paced car-stealing, car-racing, car-smashing movie.
The funny thing is though, there are some good actors in this film!
Nick Cage does a good job for what he had to work with, that Giovanni
guy is enjoyable, that black guy from Get Shorty and that old
guy who kind of reminds me of Gene Hackman. Anyway, good actors the
lot of them. The movie, though, is a sideways thumb.
[5/28/00]
Boy that Jim Carrey gets around! In this movie, written by the same chaps
that did There's Something About Mary, Jimbo gets to play a schizo
character like he did in The Mask. And, he gets to shag his
co-star in real-life like he did in Dumb and Dumber! So life must
be a big deja vu for good old Jimmy. Anyway, in this movie I liked when
he got hit by a stun gun. Oh, and that scene where the midget gives him
a spankin'.
[5/28/00]
Another Woody Allen hit in my book, this one has funny lady Tracey Ullman
and fat funny guy Jon Lovitz who both bring solid humor in their roles.
But the prize goes to Elaine May for playing the ditzy cousin who is
oblivious to things in her own comedic way. My friend Sticky, who usually
loves any Woody Allen films, was a bit in the middle on this one, but
what the hell does he know? I liked it!
[5/21/00]
Once again, this shoddy takeoff of the Mission Impossible TV series
is extremely disappointing. I am not joking that I'd rather watch an episode
of the old show than see these horrible attempts at James-Bond-a-like films.
Is it so hard to create a plot in this film so they actually have a
mission for cryin' out loud? The beauty of the TV show was that the
IMF team would set up a sting-like operation and entrap the enemy by turning
their own greed or actions against them! Here, Tom Cruise just shoots
guns, blows up things, and is about as subtle as Shaquille O'Neal attending
a KKK rally with a bunch of cracker midgets. So why, do you ask, did I
give this film a sideways thumb? Because I love that damn John Woo !!
[5/14/00]
It appears that this movie is being roundly panned! Which is hip movie-reviewer slang for
people think it sucks. However, for me, the film was saved from the ever-feared
"El Sucko" by John Travolta's comic performance as the power hungry alien head of security, in
this Planet of The Apes takeoff.
I enjoyed his over-the-top campiness as he beats up the "man-animals" and explains to them
his natural superiority! Of course, if they're so damn superior, why don't they have any
dentists on their home planet? But this film comes damn near an "El Sucko" when it shows
a bunch of cavemen learning how to fly F-15s in a day. I let a number of things in this
movie sneak by me, but that ain't one of 'em.
[5/07/00]
There is something in Gladiator for everyone, from action seekers to
those who just like to look at glistening, muscle-bound men. It's a two
and a half hour movie, but tempus will fugit with Braveheart-like battle
scenes and spectacular vistas of Rome in its heyday. Even though you
know who the good guy is right from the start, the classic battle at the
end between him and the evil, bad guy is well done.
I saw Gladiator on a rainy day, but it's worth a look even when the sun
is shining. Viva SPQR!
[5/04/00]
So, it's like a World War and stuff, and these guys are totally riding in a submarine,
which is pretty scary since it's those old World War submarines, not those cool
atomic submarines you get these days that you can hang out in for months and months.
No, these are leaky water buckets that are dark and scary and have Bon Jovi putzing
about inside of them. Anyway, that's the premise, and this film kicks in right away
with action, action, and mo' action! I especially liked the depth charge effects.
[4/20/00]
I walked into this movie figuring it was a sci-fi film about the afterlife, when in fact
it really is just a teen horror slash-em flick. Even so, I enjoyed the beginning with the
kid getting his premonitions, and the director does a good job building suspense and catching
us unawares. But, overall, the film went over the top on how people died. One woman gets
killed by an explosion, then a fire, then some knives falling on her, then a chair falling on
her. Give me a break! Let's just pick one, ok? The last sequence reminded me of my
favorite children's game
MouseTrap as a bus hits a lamp pole, which knocks over some
telephone wires, which hits a bowling ball, that rolls down a ramp, and a big cage falls
on the good guy!
[4/16/00]
Jet Li, that ass-kicking Kung-Fu guy from Lethal Weapon 4 has finally come out
with his first real U.S. film! He is one fast and impressive fighter in this movie,
where he plays some guy (whose name isn't even Romeo) who needs to run around and kick
some ass to avenge his brother. The film tries to put in too much plot, but when it gets
down to business, it has some very original scenes that only do a bit of cheating
with effects (which allows the ads to market this movie as a "Matrix-like movie").
It doesn't compare with Jackie Chan's best films, but give 'ole Li some time.
[4/9/00]
This kinda reminded me of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, except that I
remember really liking Bill & Ted. This film is way short on laughs, and long
on stupidity. I really am starting to hate that Arquette guy. The only redeeming
part of this film is a very pleasant role by Martin Landau. I actually like
pro wrestling a little bit and still didn't like this film. Maybe it's because I had
to sit behind that lame-o radio personality Alex Bennett and listen to his dopey pals
make stupid comments.
[3/26/00]
This film stars that guy who played a retard in that stupid movie
The Other Sister. I wouldn't recommend seeing that movie before seeing
Boiler Room, because everytime this guy is on the screen I
can't help but picture him saying, "Ah loooove Carla". Anyway, he does
a great job in this film as a conman turned stockbroker. Ben Affleck pops
up in a quick role which mimics Alec Baldwin's performance in Glengarry
Glenn Ross. But Alec does a better job, which I really recommend seeing.
But back to this film. I liked it!
[3/18/00]
I suspect most folks out there (men, at least) will have to be dragged to see this
movie since who hasn't seen enough of Julia these days to last a half-life. Which is
why I think the press is really pushing this film with Julia's big, phony, wonderbra'ed,
toilet-paper-packed boobies all over the newspapers and billboards. In fact, one
might think this movie is "Showgirls II" from the ads.
But after I got past being insulted by the film's
obvious attempts to bring in the male audience, I actually thought Julia did a fantastic
job and the story kept me strung along nicely. I also appreciated that, while "based" on
a true story, Hollywood didn't see the need to toss in some car chases and such.
It's a great tale that doesn't need much embelishment, and Albert Finney is a special
treat to boot.
The Ninth Gate
[3/5/00]
You gotta respect Johnny Depp for taking on such a wide assortment of roles in his
career. Add another good one in this film, as he plays a hardened rare book investigator
who trucks with the devil as he trots around the globe. I really enjoy the way
Polanski shoots his films, and this one is no exception. Of course, there are no
scenes shot here in the U.S., since we are less flexible with him sleeping with 13 year
old girls than that naughty France. In France, once a girl has hair under her arms, she's
of age! But here, in the U.S., where women actually shave under their arms (well, except
for Berkeley), I guess it's harder to tell. C'est la vie I say! Anyway, the film is
great except for the severely disappointing ending. And I kept wondering, how come
Johnny doesn't notice this crazy broad flying through the air all the time? I guess
that happens a lot in France.
[2/6/00]
Leo's got a tough crowd to face with his first film since Titanic, doesn't he?
Well I think he does a commendable job, in this odd film which goes off in
seemingly pointless directions at times. But it's got a great beach in it
which is nice to look at! The plot is a grunge self-inflicted Gilligan's Island
with a fair mixture of women and men, all running around in skimpy outfits which is
a bit more realistic than the TV show. Of course, I'm left wondering why
all these broads aren't pregnant within a few months of being on this island,
but perhaps they have an abortion clinic hut I missed.
[1/9/00]
An excellent parody on Star Trek, and fleshed out enough that it
stands on its own merits. That guy from Home Improvement does a
great job playing a washed up actor with a new reason to live. The effects
are nice and the jokes work well. I snuck into this film for free and in
the end felt like I should have paid! But don't fret,
I'll pay in my next life when I come back as a dog.
[1/2/00]
This sci-fi film starts lamely and slowly in space, tracking a rescue ship
that doesn't have a current mission. Finally they get a mission, and the
stupid captain sacrifices himself to get the ship out to the distress call, which is
already weeks old. Hello? How about calling another ship to help out so you
don't have to die, schmuck. The crew starts making stupider choices as this
predictable film goes downhill.
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